Issues With Self-Esteem

Photo by Duong Hoang Hiep via Pixabay

Living with ADHD as a woman can feel like a constant battle, not just with symptoms, but with self-doubt, frustration, and the overwhelming sense of falling behind. 

I often wondered why simple tasks felt so much harder for me or why I struggled to keep up with my peers. 

In a world that doesn’t always recognize how ADHD manifests in women, the journey toward self-acceptance can be difficult.

Attoe and Climie's research suggests early intervention can reduce academic and professional underachievement, relationship difficulties, and psychiatric issues in women with ADHD.

Before her diagnosis, Natalie Goyarzu, a late diagnosed university student, often struggled with interrupting people, not realizing it was an ADHD-related behaviour. “I just used to think, ‘Why am I so rude?’” she said. 

Over time, she became more mindful of her behaviour. “Instead of blurting things out, I learned to control myself when I felt like I was about to interrupt, making me more self-aware,” Goyarzu said.

Like Goyarzu, Thelacsana Rajaganapathy is also a university student diagnosed later in life and often felt frustrated before understanding her symptoms. “I thought I was just lazy and slower than my peers,” she said. 

As a professional dancer, Rajaganapathy struggled to pick up steps and remember choreography, leading to feelings of inadequacy. “I had to train more, and I was still behind, and I didn’t understand why. I just thought maybe I’m not as good.”

After starting medication, things started to make sense for her. “I could finally pay attention in class and pick up choreography with more ease,” Rajaganapathy said. “I’m not staring at the flickering light in the corner during lessons anymore, I can just pay attention now.”

Reflecting on her pre-diagnosis journey, Rajaganapathy described her self-esteem struggles as painful. “I was in the trenches, clawing my way out with a teeny tiny little branch,” she said.

She also noted that despite working harder than others, she always seemed to be behind. “Even if the road looks a lot longer than my coworkers, my partners, my friends, it’s what I have to deal with, and I will get there when I get there,” said Rajaganapathy.

Melissa Gummeson, a psychotherapist who works closely with women diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood, explains that many internalize their struggles, leading to feelings of inadequacy. “It often comes from years of self-doubt and people around you telling you ‘You’re too much’ or ‘Why aren’t you applying yourself more?’" she said.

This self-doubt can lead to rejection sensitivity, often mistaken for anxiety.

Gummeson emphasized the importance of reframing these experiences once individuals understand they are rooted in executive dysfunction. “It takes a long time to rewrite those neural pathways and understand that there isn’t something wrong with you. This is just something that your brain does,” Gummeson said.

Goyarzu was in denial about her ADHD for a long time. “This is just my personality,” she reasoned, trying to make sense of her struggles.

Reflecting on her journey, Goyarzu recalls feeling different as a kid, but not in a negative way. “I was able to see things outside of the box more than my peers,” she said, a perspective that she believes made her unique.

Looking back, Rajaganapathy wishes her diagnosis had come sooner, especially to avoid struggles at university. “I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do and switched programs several times because of my short attention span,” she said. “My wallet would have been so much heavier right now if I didn’t have to switch back and forth.”

In my own experiences, I often felt like I was falling behind my peers. Middle school was particularly challenging. It was the first time I began receiving assignments that required more effort, and I couldn’t figure out how to manage my time efficiently. As a result, my grades suffered.

Sadly, I wasn’t met with support from my teachers at the time. Instead, I was labelled as "unmotivated," which only deepened my discouragement.

Research led by Attoe states women with ADHD often describe feeling "different," "stupid," or "lazy" due to this lack of understanding, which only intensifies the struggle with self-blame.

Looking back, I realize much of my struggle stemmed from not understanding how my brain worked. Like many women with ADHD, I internalized my challenges, believing I was the problem rather than recognizing the real issue was trying to fit into a system that wasn’t built with us in mind. 

But as I’ve learned more about ADHD, I’ve been able to reframe my experiences. It’s not about personal failure; it’s about finding strategies that work for the way our brains function.