Stigmas

Photo by Aria Ipe

ADHD affects various aspects of life, from relationships to self-perception. For many, understanding ADHD involves navigating complex dynamics with loved ones, confronting stigma, and figuring out medication.

Mood regulation is a common battle undiagnosed ADHDers like Rajaganapathy face. “A lot of my relationships suffered before I knew I had ADHD. I believed everyone hated me without consistent reassurance. I had issues blowing up on people close to me, especially my sister,” she said. Looking back, she regrets the way she acted. “It was just an issue I made up in my head.”

After starting medication, she noticed a shift. “I’m now able to have open conversations with the people close to me and not let these negative emotions control my perception.”

Gummeson points out that ADHD can complicate relationships, especially when diagnosed later in life. “A lot of people with ADHD have rejection sensitivity. A neutral statement from someone close to you can feel like a slight, and this impacts self-esteem, motivation, and overall well-being.”

Goyarzu also believes an earlier diagnosis could have helped with her relationships. “If they knew I had ADHD earlier, it could have helped in the sense that they would have understood more why I do some of the things I do, and why some of my actions that may upset them weren’t intentional.”

I often felt like a bad person for forgetting important details. I could be friends with someone for months and still not remember their name. At times, I even questioned if I might be narcissistic because of it. It wasn’t until I began understanding how ADHD affected my memory that I realized I wasn’t alone in experiencing this.

Rajaganapathy also experiences relationship challenges when it comes to remembering people. “I’ve learned that it helps to make a checklist of people I want to check in on regularly and care about; otherwise, I would forget.”

Research by Ylva Holst and Lisa Thorell states adults with ADHD often struggle with memory, which affects how they hold and manipulate information over short periods. This difficulty can contribute to challenges in relationships, as it may affect communication and the ability to retain important details.

Along with improving her ability to communicate, Rajaganapathy found that medication helped her focus. “After starting medication, I’m more aware of what I actually want to do. I used to jump from hobby to hobby—ice skating, roller skating, horseback riding—but never stuck with anything. Medication has helped me stay focused and follow through.”

Goyarzu, on the other hand, initially hesitated to start medication: “I’ve gone this far in life without it, so do I really need it?” But her self-taping issues during the pandemic, made her realize it was necessary. “I needed something to help stop the ADHD habits, like looking away to think. It was impacting my career.”

Her perspective shifted after speaking with a friend who had also been diagnosed. “She told me, 'It's like you're listening to music, but when you have the medication, instead of hearing the entire orchestra, you can just focus on the violins.’ That really helped me let go of my stigma around medication.”

Goyarzu admits she was worried the medication would change her personality. “I quickly realized it doesn’t. It just allows me to quiet the noise and focus more.”

Reflecting on her academic journey, Goyarzu says, “I’m surprised I’ve made it this far. Having the diagnosis helped me plan a strategy that works for me. Without medication, I probably would have overcomplicated things for myself.”

However, I didn't share this fear. In fact, I was hoping to start medication because I thought it might help me reconnect with myself. My mind felt so scattered all the time, making it hard to maintain a sense of self when everything felt out of control. I believed the medication would bring some balance back.

Rajaganapathy's family did not originally believe in mental illness. Her father still doesn’t understand her ADHD diagnosis. She attributes this to cultural differences since they are immigrants, and mental illness is more stigmatized outside of Western countries.

Xin Zhao's research suggest that cultural factors do impact one's likelihood of getting diagnosed, as individuals from certain racial or ethnic backgrounds can face more stigma or misunderstand ADHD.

I had a similar experience with my father, who is originally from Singapore. Due to cultural and generational differences, he also struggled to understand ADHD and often attributed my challenges to a lack of ambition.

Luckily, Rajaganapathy's mom, after seeing the symptoms clearly laid out in an assessment, came around. “Once I did the questionnaire with her, she said, ‘Oh, that’s ADHD?’ and it became clearer for her that I probably do have it.”

Although her immediate family is now more supportive, other relatives still don’t understand. “They’d tell my mom that I’m fine and shouldn’t be on medication. But I’ve forced them to be more educated, and now they’re a lot more supportive.”

For Goyarzu, her family was understanding from the start. “When I was diagnosed, the reaction from my family was, ‘Well, obviously.’ But one friend of mine wasn’t as supportive. She initially saw the diagnosis as a ‘crutch,’ and I had to explain to her that it wasn’t.”

Ultimately, the impact of ADHD on relationships, self-beliefs, and daily functioning is complicated, but finding a supportive environment and access to treatment can make a significant difference.